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06 May 2009 @ 12:37 am
[Fanfiction:] Fade into the Background Chapter 12  

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Banner by [info]naomi0211 ♥


Title: Fade into the Background  //You can't lose what you never had//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin X Kamenashi Kazuya (Akame to make it short XD) //KAT-TUN//
Genre: Romance, ANGST, lots of Fluff
Rating: from PG-13 to NC-17
Disclamer: Do not own them. If anybody I'd like to own Ueda. But well... one can't have everything, right?
Summary: Kazuya is getting married and while watching him from the background Jin suddenly remembers their story. His thoughts are going back in time and he starts to regret and realize....
A/N: First of all: English isn't my mother tongue, but I tried my best and since I was living in the UK I'm pretty much used to write and speak it. But you're welcome to correct mistakes. 
Maaaaaaaaaan, I've lost you guys with the last chap, huh? Was ist due to the long wait? I'm sorry v.v

However, this chapter is so bittersweet again. Now that Jin and Kazuya are on bad terms with each other... and it's Christmas again.
How will Jin react to the fact that Kazuya got himself a girlfriend to spend it with?
And will Kazuya really spend his Christmas Eve with someone else than Jin?

WARNING: It's still quite drmatical, and somewhat angsty. Will it ever stop? XD   

Previous Chapters:
First Memory: A Winter Illusion 
Second Memory: All I want for Christmas...
Third Memory: Broken Promise
Fourth Memory: Losing Faith 
Fifth Memory: Confessions

First Flashback: Still on my Mind

Sixth Memory: Missing

Seventh Memory: Powder Happiness
Eighth Memory: Best Friends and Lovers
Ninth Memory: Treat me right
Tenth Memory: If I'd let you go...

Second Flashback: Lose Myself

Eleventh Memory: Over

Twelfth Memory: Be with you


So far, all of Jin’s dates on Christmases had been with Kazuya. Every Christmas Eve he could remember had been together with the younger one, starting from that one so long ago in a coffee shop.

He had spent last Christmas alone, celebrating it in L.A., where Christmas was celebrated much different from how they used to celebrate it in Japan.

It had been okay, a nice experience, but that evening Jin had realized how much he had missed Kazuya.

Especially that day.

He remembered, on their second Christmas they had stayed at home, just the two of them, since his parents had been on a trip to an Onsen. So, of course, Jin had invited Kazuya over.

But things had been rather awkward between them back then.

They’ve had just kissed for the first time a few months ago in New York and had been both unsure how to go on. So, they had been spending that evening just as they had spent usual evenings. Sitting together, talking, watching TV and falling asleep next to each other at the couch.

The next year had been different. They’ve just had their first serious fight a few weeks before Christmas, and things had gotten more serious between them. Too serious, probably, since Jin could remember he had already thought about how to break up with Kazuya back then.

But that Christmas had been special.

He could remember how Kazuya had popped up at his apartment suddenly, a Christmas cake with him and had declared that he would spend the night at Jin’s. And of course, Jin had not minded that at all.

That evening had been the best Christmas for Jin. It was the Christmas Eve he would remember for all his life. Snow had actually been falling that night and had painted the big windows of Jin’s apartment in white. They had curled up together under the blankets of Jin’s bed; sharing kisses and touches for what had felt like an eternity, until it slowly had worked out into more.

Into something less innocent, into something more serious, more intimate.

Afterwards Kazuya had been sitting leaning against Jin, the cake on his lap. They had been eating in silence; Kazuya staring out of the window, while Jin had been caressing his back with gentle strokes and kisses.

That had felt good, Jin remembered now as he looked out of the window and saw the snow silently falling from a grey sky. It had been peaceful, spending the whole night awake, only trying not to fall asleep to enjoy being together like that.

It really had been peaceful.

This year would be more troublesome again. They’d be working that evening, having rehearsals for the upcoming Countdown Live, and could only go out after that. So, Jin assumed, he’d most likely spend this Christmas Eve on his own.

And so would Kazuya.

He wondered what Kazuya had been doing last year for Christmas. Had he been with Koki? Or alone? Probably with a girl?

Jin frowned over those thoughts and decided to believe Kazuya had been on his own. It was probably selfish to think that way, but imagining Kazuya had been sitting in his apartment all alone, remembering his last Christmas and missing Jin, made him feel much calmer.

“I don’t regret I’ve stopped loving you.”

Jin could still hear those words whenever he closed his eyes and remembered.

He tried to feel more confused from those words than hurt. But, if he was honest to himself, it did hurt.

Kazuya had only said once that he had loved Jin; the very day Jin had left, the younger one had confessed. By now he knew Kazuya had been serious back then; had not just said it to get what he wanted. Though, of course, what he had wanted had been Jin.

But now, after so much time had passed by, he still claimed he had been in love.

Wasn’t it Kazuya’s fault, after all? If he had told Jin before, just a little bit earlier, it would have changed everything.

If Jin had been confident of Kazuya honestly loving him back, he would not have been able to leave. He would have most likely not even been able to break up.

But he wasn’t sure where they would stand now, if he hadn’t done it.

Things would not have gone smoothly, probably. What if people, the press, had found out about them? He still believed it was better this way. But he also knew by now that Kazuya had been right back then.

For them, just for them as human beings, it would have been better to stay together. And even if they had broken up some day, they’d probably have managed to stay friends.

Jin sighed and took a sip from his coffee as he opened the magazine at the table of the coffee shop he was sitting in. It was cold outside and he’d still have time before rehearsals started, so he had decided to be on his own for a little longer and drink a coffee while looking at the falling snow around the big Christmas tree that was standing at the place outside.

He had forced them into this situation, after all, so thinking about being friends was meaningless. And with what he had done last month, he had made it just even worse.

Now Kazuya was really pissed; he didn’t even bother anymore to pretend he wasn’t resentful or angry about what had happened.

Kazuya had tried really hard, and if Jin had left it like that it would have been better for them, probably, but now he knew that Kazuya suffered just like him and he couldn’t help it but feel satisfied about it.

Jin wasn’t over him at all, so it would not be fair if Kazuya was fine with the situation.

He took the last sip of his coffee and frowned as he turned the next page of the magazine and saw a black and white picture, a quite blurry one of Kazuya.

It was blurry, but even though he could recognize Kazuya perfectly. Whom he didn’t recognize at all was the girl walking next to him in the picture.

There were two more pictures. In one of them they were in a shop, buying some clothes, in the other one they were sitting in a café.

Actually, there was nothing that was giving any proof of what was written in the text, which was saying something about them having an all lovey-dovey date and ending up in a hotel that evening which they apparently hadn’t left until the next morning.

Jin didn’t think it was true, but, in point of fact, couldn’t stop thinking about it, either.

From the pictures he couldn’t tell, if it was something serious. They didn’t touch at all, they always had a distance.

But then again, Kazuya had never really been spotted with women. So, being spotted with one in public--- that had to be something serious. Otherwise Kazuya would have been more careful about it.

He got up and left after paying and putting on his coat. The magazine remained at the table and Jin didn’t even bother to close it again. He tried to convince himself that it didn’t bother him at all, that it was none of his business.

If Kazuya dated that girl, it was just fine.

At least that meant he didn’t have anything with Koki, what made Jin feel relieved after all. Because he didn’t think he would have been able to handle those two as a couple.

Since it was still quite early as he arrived, it was quiet. From the dressing rooms for the juniors came some noise and as he passed News’ dressing room, he caught a glimpse at Koyama and Masuda eating together. The rest wasn’t there yet, apparently.

It didn’t lift up his mood to see that only Kazuya was in their room already, as he entered it. He slightly nodded to greet him and put his bag down on a chair. He put the bottle of water he had just bought at the table Kazuya was sitting at, a pen in his hand and staring at the blank page of a card.

“Good Morning.” Kazuya said casually, without paying much attention. He was still wearing his coat and a scarf and his hair was slightly wet from the snow flakes which were melting in it.

In silence they sat as far from each other as possible in the small room and Jin didn’t even take notice of himself staring at the younger one.

He really wondered if the rumor was true. But he wasn’t in the position to ask, so he kept wondering about it; making up the most unlikely situations that could have led to such photos.

She was probably Kazuya’s cousin who hadn’t visited him in years. Or she was the girlfriend of one of his friends who needed to talk to someone who would understand her problems with her boyfriend. And since Kazuya was a really close friend of that guy he understood perfectly.

She probably was a complete stranger who didn’t know he was Kazuya Kamenashi, who had never heard of KAT-TUN or even Johnny’s, and had run into Kazuya that morning. She didn’t have a place to go, since she hadn’t ever been to Tokyo before and the good soul Kazuya was, he had taken her to some shops and a restaurant and had organized and paid a hotel for her.

Jin frowned over his own imagination and tilted his head slightly, still staring at Kazuya’s profile while he was writing something in a card.

Kazuya suddenly lifted his head and gave Jin an annoyed look. “Why are you staring?”

Jin didn’t let him see how his heart jumped and just turned his head. “Nothing. I was just thinking.”

“Then stare at the wall while thinking.”

He didn’t react to that. Kazuya really made it obvious that he disliked Jin to a degree that was almost hate. He wasn’t friendly anymore, always annoyed of him or giving him a feeling of being unwelcome. Kazuya didn’t even bother anymore to pretend being the nice guy for a single second. He let Jin feel how mad he was in every possible way.

Jin clicked his tongue and sighed, as he turned to Kazuya again. This was childish; Kazuya was childish and he was sure the other one knew that, but was too stubborn to give in.

“Listen, Kazuya.”

The younger one didn’t react; he was concentrating on writing down, whatever he was writing at the moment.

Jin’s expression got darker. “Kazuya.”

“It’s Kamenashi for you.” Kazuya just said, not even looking up.

“Kamenashi.” Jin said, without letting him hear or see how much that hurt. Now that Kazuya had interrupted him like that he had lost his courage to say what he had wanted to say. “About those photos…”

Kazuya’s expression changed, as Jin started that topic. He lifted his head and their eyes met, his lips parted.

Of course, Kazuya knew exactly what that was about. He had seen them himself and was quite surprised the press had released them only now. He had expected them to appear much earlier. But since he had never had any huge scandals with women they hadn’t paid too much of attention to him in that case, so he had been covered for a while.

He remained staring at Jin, losing his defense of being cold and angry with Jin. Did Jin really bother about them?

Since Kazuya didn’t say anything, Jin cleared his throat and then spoke up again. “I didn’t know you were…”

“What is this?” Taguchi asked, as he pulled the door open and rushed into the room, stopping in front of Kazuya. Jin gave him an evil glare, but the taller one didn’t notice at all, too occupied with pointing to the magazine he was holding right into Kazuya’s face.

“What it is?” Kazuya asked with a slight pout. “That’s obvious, isn’t it?”

Jin’s glare changed to a serious stare, as his eyes switched over to Kazuya. Obvious. So, it was true after all. No cousin, no friend, no stranger. She was Kazuya’s girlfriend.

Swallowing thickly, Jin tried to keep his expression indifferent, but lowered his head.

“I didn’t know about that!” Junno complained and looked at the magazine pictures again. “Who is she?”

Kazuya just smiled at him and put his pen down, before he got up and took off his coat. “We need to get changed.”

Jin tried to ignore their conversation and got changed himself, while Taguchi was asking a million questions and Kazuya kept ignoring them in his gentle and plain way.

“Taguchi, it’s really none of your business.” Ueda said, as he entered the room, Nakamaru right behind him.

Junno turned to them. “How do you know what it is about?”

“You’re loud enough to be heard all over the corridor. And everyone is talking about it, anyway.” He gave Kazuya a look.

As Koki came in, Junno turned to him. “Did you know about it?”

Koki threw Kazuya a look, completely unaware of what that was about. The younger one didn’t return the look, so Koki assumed his secret was uncovered. “About what?”

Taguchi just held up the magazine.

“Oh.” Koki said and took a closer look. Then he turned to Kazuya again. “So, they finally found out about you?”

Jin’s heart skipped a beat. Why did Koki know about every damn detail in Kazuya’s life?

Kazuya shrugged his shoulders, before he pulled the shirt over his head. “It was about time.”

Everyone knew that this only meant one thing in Kazuya’s words. It was serious.

No one was talking anymore and they all got changed and ready for the rehearsals. Kazuya didn’t feel uncomfortable to work with the other guys, they all had their scandals and private lives discussed in magazines, and although they all read or heard of it, they never talked about it while working.

It was different with his band mates, since they knew him better and considered him as a friend. Of course, they would ask first.

As they were done, Kazuya left first and Koki followed him. Everyone else left them space, because they knew Koki would be the one to reassure Kazuya about it. When they were going to follow they would find Kazuya all cheerful and calm again.

Jin hated that fact; the fact that Koki was the one to give Kazuya that feeling of hold and faith.

Junno left next and Jin frowned as he saw from the corner of his eye how Nakamaru gently put his hand to Ueda’s back, as they left as well. He had done that quite often lately and Jin had started to wonder if there was something between those two.

But he wasn’t interested enough to find out what it really was about.

Distracted with looking for his water, he forgot about it again and opened his bag again to look for the bottle. He then saw it at the table and went over to grab it, his gaze falling to that opened card Kazuya had forgotten about, as Junno had entered the room.

He titled his head, unable to resist reading what was written there.

It was Kazuya’s clear and tidy handwriting and just a short message, but it left a huge impact on Jin.

Merry Christmas!
The cookies you made for me were delicious. I hope you will accept the gift I got you as a thank you. Let’s make this the first of many Christmases we’re going to spend together!

In Love,

Jin stared at the text, couldn’t take his eyes off of the words and swallowed once more.

In Love, it echoed in his head over and over again. It was even more serious than he had thought. Kazuya was in love.

As the door opened again, his head raised and he stared at Kazuya.

The younger one stopped in the middle of his movement and realized the situation within a fraction of a second. He returned the look, not less surprised, before he walked over and closed the card to take it back to his bag.

“You’ve seriously fallen in love again?”

Kazuya didn’t turn, his heart just started to pound wildly. He’d never get over Jin, he realized. How could the older one’s voice sound so hurt after he had been the one to end everything and take his own pride more important than Kazuya’s feelings?

Slowly, he turned back to Jin and looked into his face. “I’ve found someone who is able to return what I give.”

Jin felt the pain and he wasn’t able to hide it this time. This was too much for him. Hadn’t it been him who had never gotten those words in return? Hadn’t it been him who had never been assured of Kazuya’s feelings?

“You’ve never said you’d loved me.”

It was only a whisper and Kazuya almost couldn’t catch the words, but he understood. And they made him feel even worse. Jin had always needed words to confirm feelings; he had never just been satisfied with noticing the small things which had said so much more than any words could have.

Kazuya walked to the door again, stopping next to Jin for a moment.

“And you’ve never understood how much I really did.”

Jin turned his head to Kazuya, opened his mouth. Closed it again. And stayed, not following Kazuya, as he left.

Again, he let him go, didn’t hold him back.

Again, he hadn’t told the truth, but had found another piece of it.



When the rehearsals ended, everyone hurried to get showered and changed as quickly as possible. Jin was the only one who took his time and ate something before starting anything else.

Nakamaru and Ueda were first to leave and Jin didn’t even raise an eyebrow, as they left hand in hand. His guesses had been right, apparently. He quickly threw a glance at Kazuya, who wasn’t in a hurry as much as the others, as well.

“See you tomorrow.” Koki said before he left and Junno just waved at them.

Why didn’t Kazuya hurry up and left? Jin wanted to be alone and Kazuya took way too much of his time.

He had a date, didn’t he?

Even so, Jin was done before Kazuya was, and left without a single word.

Kazuya sighed and sat down after the door closed behind Jin. He took a deep breath and leaned back, trying to relax.

In about thirty minutes he was supposed to meet Minako and even so, he was still sitting here, half dressed and tired.

And completely thinking of someone else.

In his mind there was only Jin, because things between them were still awkward, words unspoken and feelings untouched.

Everything they managed was to fight and to complain, to live in the past and not be able to forget about what had happened. They both couldn’t forgive.

But, he thought, as he picked up his cell phone, they both still had feelings for each other. He hadn’t lied when he had said that he had missed Jin; Kazuya really had. And he still did.

He dated Minako, but nothing would be ever comparable to what he had had with Jin, what he had felt for him and what Jin had left him.

It was probably impossible for Kazuya to ever be in love with anybody else than Jin, but he also knew that he wouldn’t become happy if he maintained that love.

He had to give it up and become satisfied with something else, even if it felt less.

It was his only chance to get over Jin, to manage to forget.

As he dialed the number, Kazuya was already feeling more confident.

“Minako?” He said, as the girl picked up. “I’m sorry; this was taking longer than expected. I’ll call you when I’m done and then we’ll meet up, okay?” A smile traced his lips, as she easily agreed and then hung up.

Kazuya took his time to get done and when he opened the door, he noticed that only a few managers and staff people were still around. Those who didn’t take Christmas that serious anymore, those who didn’t have anyone to share that evening with.

As he closed the door behind him, he noticed he forgot something and hurried back. In the corner of the room the small plastic bag was hidden and he lifted it, peeking inside. The nicely wrapped gift was still there and Kazuya smiled. With a last glace through the room he made sure he hadn’t forgotten anything, as something caught his attention.

At one of the chairs someone had forgotten a wallet. Kazuya picked it up and even before he opened it, he knew it was Jin’s.

He looked at the photo of Jin’s ID-Card, before he closed it again. Then he sighed and clicked his tongue, unsure what to do.

He knew what it would end like if he went over now, but then again, it was Jin’s wallet and leaving it here wasn’t wise at all. He should return it.

It wasn’t far to Jin’s apartment, so Kazuya put everything to the back seat of his car, and only took his own wallet, Jin’s and the small bag with the gift with him to the front seat.

He’d just quickly give Jin his wallet and then call Minako that he would pick her up. Her apartment was quite close to Jin’s. Planning the evening in his head, he took his time to get to Jin’s apartment, before he left his car in a car park and went up the chairs. Jin’s wallet in one and the plastic bag in his other hand.

He had been here for the first time about a month ago, when Jin had called him. So, everything was rather unfamiliar to him, but he found the way nevertheless.

As Kazuya stood in front of Jin’s door, he hesitated for a moment, but then pressed the door bell. He waited for a few seconds, and as nothing moved behind the door, he rang it again.

Frowning, he waited, as nothing happened.

Probably Jin was out? But he hadn’t said anything about a date earlier and Kazuya had heard him clearly as he had been talking with Ryo about it.

Had that been a lie? And Jin was on a date after all?

But if he was he’d miss his wallet, wouldn’t he? In any case, Kazuya didn’t want to take it back with him, so he had to leave it here, in some way. It didn’t fit through the input of the mail box and also, he couldn’t just leave it in front of the door.

Once more, Kazuya knocked, before he gently pushed down the door handle and made a surprised noise as it really opened.

“Jin… That’s not really careful.” He whispered to himself and then went in. “Hello?”

As he didn’t get an answer, he decided to head straight to the kitchen and leave the wallet there with a notice for Jin.

He grabbed a piece of paper from the kitchen table and a pen, but then stared at the blank paper, unsure what to write.

Back then, they would have always left messages in the morning for each other. Just some short notices, but they had always made him smile.

You forgot it in the changing room. Sorry for coming in, but I couldn’t get it into your mail box and the door was open, so I thought it would be most safe to leave it here.
See you,

Kazuya read it over once and was about to write another one, but then ignored the feeling and just headed back to the front door.

Only for the fraction of a second and from the corner of his eye, he noticed Jin when he passed the living room. He stopped and turned and then opened the wooden door a little wider.

Jin was lying at his couch, only a low lamp was switched on next to him and he was fast asleep.

Kazuya observed him from the door for a while, watched him breathing steadily and calm, one hand next to his face, the smooth hair framing his peaceful face. He had lost weight, Kazuya thought as he went in and got closer. When he had come back, he had been chubby, but Kazuya rarely saw Jin eat, so by now he had lost weight again.

Remembering how it had felt to be pressed to that body last month, Kazuya was sure that Jin wasn’t chubby anymore at any part of his body.

Abandoning those thoughts he turned to the arm chair and took the woolen blanket that Jin had placed there. Unfolding it, Kazuya quietly spread it over Jin, but recognized something in the older one’s hand then. He lifted the blanket again and gently removed the photo from Jin’s hand.

It showed them, probably two or three years ago. Kazuya couldn’t quite tell when it had been taken, but it was a private one. Jin’s arm was comfortably resting over Kazuya’s shoulder, drawing him near, and Kazuya’s was tangled around Jin’s waist. They were both smiling so brightly as if it was for a photo shooting, but Kazuya knew those smiles were absolutely real.

They had been happy back then.

He lowered the photo to look at Jin again, insecure of what to do. Then he noticed the box at the table and turned to it to have a closer look.

It looked old and was plain black; it probably had been for shoes once. But now it contained nothing else than photos and Kazuya couldn’t help but blush as he noticed they were all photos of him.

Some of them showed them together, or him with someone else, but it always was him.

There were some from magazines, but mostly private one’s and Kazuya frowned as he recognized they weren’t just old ones. The recent ones were from magazines, mostly, but there were some private ones from the time Jin hadn’t been there.

Wondering where Jin had gotten them from, Kazuya put all the photos back into the box, only holding that one photo again he had taken from Jin’s hand.

“Jin…” he murmured softly and covered his face with one hand, as he sighed.

This was unbelievable and yet so typically Jin. He had regrets after all, and apparently even feelings for Kazuya, but failed at that one thing he had always expected Kazuya to be.

Being honest about it and say it straight away.

Instead, Jin was hiding it from him and suffered for himself. Collecting those pictures and probably looking at them regretful, longing for those times to return.

Kazuya felt the heavy weight of the small plastic back in his hand tugging his arm down. Actually, it wasn’t heavy at all, since it was just a very small box, but its meaning was getting heavier and heavier to Kazuya.

It was awkward, Kazuya thought, awkward and sad and so stupid. And he shouldn’t be here at all, because it was Christmas Eve and Jin wasn’t the person, Kazuya should spend that evening with.

He put the photo back to the table and turned without looking at Jin once again. As he got into his shoes, he took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Minako’s number. Quietly closing the door, he left the apartment, leaving it unlocked again, just as it had been.

“I’m going to be at yours in a about ten minutes.” He said and laughed gently at her surprised answer. “I’m nearby; there was something I had to do here.”

They ended the call and Kazuya lifted the small bag once more and gave it a critical look, before he left the building and got into his car again.

As he reached her apartment later, he couldn’t help but smile as she opened the door a bit too quickly. She had most likely waited in front of it for him to arrive. Kazuya felt bad about making her wait and being so half-hearted about her.

She looked pretty, as usual. Her long brown hair was open and soft curls were framing her face and shoulders. She was dressed casually, but still feminine and smelled fresh.

“Hello”, she said with her cute and natural smile, apparently not the slightest bit mad at him.

“I’m sorry for making you wait.” Kazuya apologized.

“It’s okay.”

It remained silent between them and Kazuya knew it was his turn to take her hand and walk her down to his car. But something held him back, something made him hesitate.

Pictures of Jin appeared in his head, his sleeping face, the photo in his hand, his hurt look earlier today in the dressing room.

Trying to forget about it, Kazuya held the small bag up and smiled at Minako. “Merry Christmas.”

She smiled back and took the bag, nodding gratefully. “It’s for me?”

Kazuya remembered the card was still in his sports bag, so he nodded. “A thank you for the delicious cookies you made for me.”

Her face brightened up immediately. “You liked them?”

“A lot.”

She smiled happily and then looked at the box inside the bag.

“Open it.” Kazuya instructed.

She lifted her head and looked at him, apparently insecure of the place. She was still standing in her door frame. But she hesitated not any longer and took the box out of the bag. “It’s pretty. Thank you.”

“You haven’t even opened it yet!” Kazuya said and laughed at her.

“But for the thought.” She smiled and lifted the upper part of the box. Inside she found a silver necklace, simple and plain with a small pendant of a light pink pearl. It reflected the light and she held her breath, staring at it.

“Do you like it?” Kazuya asked as she didn’t react at all. “I thought it was pretty, but if you don’t like it or want something else…”

“No.” She interrupted him and lifted her face to him, smiling now. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

She really was lovely, Kazuya thought and in the very next moment he held her close. She made a surprised noise as he drew her near, but then slowly relaxed again.

“I’m sorry.” Kazuya said into the soft mess of brown hair. “I can’t stay.”

She didn’t respond, but her body tensed and Kazuya felt even worse. He held her for another second and then let go. As he could see her confused face, he took a step back and bowed slightly. “I’m very sorry to go.”

“Kazuya…?” She started in a quiet voice, obviously confused.

Apologizing again, Kazuya turned and then ran off, back to his car.

His heart was pounding and he felt guilty, but he couldn’t stop thinking of it, not at all. He couldn’t stop thinking of Jin.

Last year’s Christmas he had spent alone and it had been painful, because he had remembered the year before that. They had stood at Jin’s and it had probably been one of the most important nights they had ever shared.

It had been peaceful, Kazuya thought now, as he sat in his car, it had felt so peaceful back then, to just sit in bed, leaning against Jin, feeling his tender and caring touches. In that moment they had been able to convey their feelings for each other.

And it wasn’t gone. Neither for him, nor for Jin. They were both clinging to those memories, believing in their meaning for both of them.

Slightly out of breath, he reached Jin’s apartment again and without thinking about it he opened the door again.

Everything was like he had left it before. Jin was still sleeping at the couch, covered by the blanket, the photos in the box at the table, that one of them beside it.

Kazuya sat down in the arm chair, sighed and looked at Jin. “What am I doing?”

It remained silent and Kazuya didn’t move any further. He just looked at Jin’s sleeping face and got lost in his thoughts.

Even if he was only with him like this, spending this evening with Jin felt just right to Kazuya. After what he had found out, he could not have resisted staying.

He leaned in to take the photo again, before he rested against the back of the arm chair, making himself comfortable.

He would stay for only a little longer and pretend to himself he was watching over Jin’s sleep. Of course there was actually no reason for him to stay here, but he couldn’t stop himself from wanting to.

The photo in his hand, his gaze watching Jin’s face, he got lost in his thoughts again, a gentle smile tracing his lips as he remembered their time. For the first time in almost a year he allowed himself to remember all those good memories they had shared.

With those in mind, his eyes fell closed and it didn’t take too long until he was fast asleep, curled up in the arm chair next to Jin.



It wasn’t dark anymore, but dawn hadn’t really started yet, as Jin slowly woke up.

The back of his neck hurt and he felt still tired. He slightly moaned as he turned to his side and opened his eyes.

Kazuya, curled up in the arm chair and peacefully sleeping, was his first sight that morning and he immediately forgot all his pain and tiredness, his expression changing into a gentle smile.

As usual, Kazuya hadn’t wanted to sleep alone in the huge bed and instead of just joining Jin at the couch he had made himself comfortable in that arm chair.

They had argued over that way too often by now, but still Kazuya used to do that. Jin shook his head, as he turned back to his back and stretched his arms.

Only then, he suddenly sat up and stared at Kazuya.

What was he doing here?

Jin couldn’t do anything else than to stare at Kazuya, but then he managed to look away. He closed his eyes and rubbed one hand over his face.

“What are you dreaming, Jin?”, he murmured to himself. “That was two years ago.”

But as he turned his head again, Kazuya was still there, still sleeping.

Jin couldn’t explain to himself how Kazuya had gotten there. He was sure he didn’t have a black out. He’d come home yesterday night all alone and had…

His gaze quickly flew to the table and he saw the box.

How had Kazuya come here? And what had made him stay?

Jin wanted to wake him, but he had never been able to do so. Well, he thought now, as he watched Kazuya’s face, not casually at least. He had mostly used other methods to wake Kazuya up.

It was odd, but Jin could still tell when Kazuya was asleep whether it was a sleep from tiredness, exhaustion or a simple nap.

The way Kazuya had curled up and his head rested at the back rest of the arm chair, Jin could tell this was a sleep from pure exhaustion; exhaustion from his thoughts, perhaps.

So, he decided to let Kazuya sleep. He would have liked to get him to the couch at least, because he knew that sleeping in a position like Kazuya did at that moment was worst for his muscles; he’d feel awful for the whole day. But it was too risky for Jin to wake him up, so he left him where he was.

Quietly, trying to make as less sound as possible, Jin got up from the couch and left the room. He got into the bathroom first and after he had taken a shower, he peeked into the living room again, seeing Kazuya had remained there, unchanged. It was dawn by now, the cold sunlight was lightening up the room and reflecting in Kazuya’s hair.

Jin wondered what had brought the younger one there, but he wanted to believe in destiny, just once, so he held himself back and left Kazuya alone again.

In his bedroom, Jin dressed himself and then lay down on his bed for a moment to rest his sore muscles. He stared at the ceiling, listening to the silence around him and then got up again.

He was restless, knowing Kazuya was just in the other room, but still out of his reach.

Unable to resist, he quietly got back into the living room and stopped right in front of Kazuya, then he noticed something at the floor. He picked it up and looked at the photo.

Of course, Kazuya had seen what Jin had done before he had fallen asleep; but apparently, Kazuya had gone back in his memories as well.

Jin put the photo to the other ones in the box and closed it then. His fingertips remained at the top for a moment, then he turned to Kazuya again.

For whatever reason Kazuya was there, whatever had made him come and stay, Jin knew that this was his chance to change things between them.

It didn’t matter how often he had told himself by now that Kazuya wasn’t what he wanted anymore; seeing him like this, having him around like this, made it just obvious to him that he wanted Kazuya. Just the way he had always had him.

He made the final step and bowed down, before he lifted his knee and rested it at the seat of the arm chair next to Kazuya’s feet.

His lips gently traced the line of Kazuya’s jaw to his ear and he slowly blew over the sensitive skin, feeling the younger one shiver.

“Kazuya…” he whispered, almost hummed.

Jin knew what Kazuya’s reaction would be like. He’d slowly wake up from Jin’s kisses, he’d lazily kiss him back, would lift his arms to put them around Jin.

To get that reaction, to finally feel it again, Jin turned his head, kissed his path to Kazuya’s lips and gently nibbled the lower one, before he really kissed him.

Kazuya sighed; definitely still asleep, but yet about to wake up, he sighed quietly and tilted his head to return the kiss.

Jin put his arm around Kazuya’s waist and pulled him into a standing position, which lasted for only a second, however, since Jin easily fell back to the couch then, tugging Kazuya with him.

He was now on top of Jin, on his lap, while Jin was comfortably resting against the back rest. His hands were still holding Kazuya’s waist and he didn’t break their kiss for a second.

“Jin…” Kazuya murmured in between their kisses and leaned back in Jin’s arms, as he felt Jin’s lips tracing down his chin and neck. A hand found its way beneath his warm pullover and caressed the hot skin beneath the fabric.

There was only one person who could wake those feelings in Kazuya with a single touch, who was capable of setting his skin on fire with only his lips.

Kazuya’s eyes flew open, as he fully awakened and gasped. “Jin!”

Alarmed of that voice, Jin raised his head and looked at Kazuya, who was now leaning forwards again, putting his hands to Jin’s shoulders to find his balance.

“What the hell are you doing?”, he asked and tried to get away. Jin’s hand was still holding his back, pressed against Kazuya’s bare skin there.

The dream was over, Jin thought. Kazuya had gained back his consciousness. “I was seducing you”, he answered nevertheless.

“You are abusing me.” Kazuya corrected and struggled to get off of Jin.

Jin pulled his hands back and lifted them, leaving Kazuya enough space to get off. “Well, then you were seducing me.”

As he stood again, Kazuya pulled his clothes back into their right position and was looking for something to do with his hands. “As if.”

Jin didn’t argue that anymore. He remained silent for a moment, then he made himself more comfortable. “Why are you here, Kazuya?”

What a stupid mistake, the younger one thought and tried to avoid looking at Jin. How could he have fallen asleep? This was the worst situation for him, but of course he had managed to get into it. “I was just…” He swallowed thickly, but then remembered. “You had forgotten your wallet. I brought it over. The door was open.”

“Mhm.” Jin raised an eyebrow. “And then you decided you could take a nap?”

Kazuya gave him a cold and annoyed look. He’d rather join Kanjani8 than tell Jin he had even come back. “I’m leaving.”

Not this time, Jin thought and got up to grip Kazuya’s waist. “Running away won’t make it easier.”

“You finally realized?” Kazuya snapped back and glared at him, unable to hold back anymore. “It’s so typically you to hide everything, to pretend the cool one and secretly collecting photos to get sentimental over. How much do you regret we’ve broken up, Jin?”

There was no need to deny it. Having a box full of photos of Kazuya and falling asleep while looking at them, he couldn’t deny it; it was too obvious. “It’s not less typically for you to cancel your date to rather sleep next to me, to be close to me. How much do you regret?”

Kazuya couldn’t deny that, either. “It’s senseless to fight over this. We’re both through with that topic, aren’t we?”

“If we were you wouldn’t be here, Kazuya.”

The younger one knew Jin was right. They’d never be through with it. “I had felt like the only right thing to do yesterday, has been to stay with you.”

So, after all, they’d finally sort things out, Jin thought and opened his mouth, but before he could say something, Kazuya added: “But I was wrong.”

Jin gave him a surprised look.

“We won’t ever be able to get along again, to be friends and definitely not lovers.”

“But when I kiss you…”

“That’s not it”, the younger one interrupted and gave Jin a helpless look. “We may still harmonize in those things, but in nothing else. Being with you hurts and it doesn’t matter what I do, it won’t stop. Even if we’d still have good sex, it would hurt afterwards. Probably even more.”

Jin started to lose all of his courage. He wanted to tell Kazuya that he only felt like that because he still loved Jin, but again, those words couldn’t leave his lips. He was unable to express them, to make them sound honest.

Kazuya freed his hand and took his coat. “I’m leaving.”

“But…” Jin started, but didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t possibly find out how to make Kazuya stay and that was the worst feeling.

Again, Kazuya thought and made his way to the door. Again, Jin wasn’t able to be honest and hold him back, to make him stay. And Kazuya knew that he could only stay with Jin if the older one was able to be completely honest about his feelings just once.

And since that would never happen, Kazuya would have to find happiness with someone else. Longing for Jin for the rest of his life wasn’t what he wanted, wasn’t what he could take.

But he could probably make Jin understand that it was all up to him.

“You know”, he said and turned once more. Being completely honest was what could probably save them; Jin only had to understand it as well. “You are right. I really do regret we’ve broken up back then. More than anything else. It was the worst mistake.”

Kazuya looked straight into Jin’s eyes.

“But it was not mine.”


Thank you so much for reading!!!!

I've got my portfolio done today and will send out my application tomorrow, so from now on, things should go more smootly again. I have a lot of time to write again! Yay!
(Let's hope my excitement to see Tegomasu is not going to give me a Writer's Block XDDDDD .... This story won't continue if Tegoshi kills me *löl*)

Okay, enough rant. Sorry about that *löl*
Place: home
Mood: calmcalm
Music: Kanjani∞- Puzzle
crovoxisikes ♥♥♥♥ 亀梨和也crovoxisikes on May 5th, 2009 07:57 pm (UTC)
yay~~update!!! ^^ why can't they both just face the fact that they should be together!!!urghh!!! btw, loving it ^^
crovoxisikes ♥♥♥♥ 亀梨和也crovoxisikes on May 5th, 2009 07:58 pm (UTC)
first??yay ^^
Untitled - yumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 04:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
mehei10 on May 5th, 2009 10:17 pm (UTC)
its beautifully written:D
i love it~
thanks for sharing:D
Shaina: Akameyumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 04:55 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for your nice comment! ^___^
she /ʃɛ/fionnakreuz on May 5th, 2009 11:10 pm (UTC)
....T_T I thought it would be a happy ending for the chapter.
Shaina: Ueda sweetyumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 04:57 am (UTC)
Oh, you're back *happy* I thought you had stopped reading, since it took me so long to update the last chapter XD I'm glad you're still with me!! ^^

... Well, it can't end happy at all at this point, since they somehow have to get to that point there are at at the wedding v.v So far, the angst goes on, I guess XD But it's just one more chap to go, then we'll be through with it! ^^ *yay*

Thanks so much!!!
Untitled - fionnakreuz on May 6th, 2009 06:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
Untitled - yumiko_okahawa on May 8th, 2009 03:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
kirei_shinigamikirei_shinigami on May 5th, 2009 11:26 pm (UTC)
i hate it when they're hurting each other...
but i love the idea of a vulnerable jin
i really appreciate this fic T.T
it shows jin's weakness
and kazuya's angst
Shaina: Akameyumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 04:58 am (UTC)
Aw, thank you so much for your nice words! I'm so glad you're still reading on and like it! ^___^
ღ~♥ Yuki ♥~ღkame_kiyumi on May 5th, 2009 11:28 pm (UTC)
an update~ finally~ been waiting~~

But.... T.T
its still a sad chap... at first when Kame returned to Jin's apartment, I thought for now, they may be patching back... but in the end.... T.T

update again soon~ and good luck for your application~ =D
Shaina: Akameyumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
Well, at least it didn't take as long as it took to update Chapter 11? XD *löl* Sorry for making you wait v.v

Yeah, but, well... things can't end happily at this state, since they somehow have to end up at Kazuya's wedding, ne~?
But from then on things will change ^_^

I'll update as soon as possible, promise and thanks so much!!!! ^.^
snow_meowsnow_meow on May 6th, 2009 12:08 am (UTC)
Damn it !!!
They were so close to fixing things between them.
Bakanishi had to go and spoil the chance he had been given.
It's like a Christmas miracle gone wrong.

It is like a perfect scene for KAT-TUN's song White X'Mas.
Shaina: Akameyumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 05:02 am (UTC)
*sigh* I know, I'm sorry v___v"
They'll fix things sometime soon. When Jin isn't so damn Bakanishi anymore XD

Now that you mention it... true, indeed. I didn't notice myself, but I probably did it unconciously? It really fits that song O_o *drop*

Between, I've always, always wanted to tell you that I love your icon of Yassan <3 He's so lovely ^_^
Untitled - snow_meow on May 6th, 2009 12:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Untitled - yumiko_okahawa on May 8th, 2009 03:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
sumomo_yukisumomo_yuki on May 6th, 2009 12:51 am (UTC)
wow... it wasn't kame's??? XDDD man jin for someone who wants someone back u sure know how to put ur words T_T
Shaina: Akameyumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 05:03 am (UTC)
I guess it wasn't XD It's up to Jin to seriously fix things, so I hope he'll manage it... at some point v.v

Thanks for the comment! ^^
Kristienkaouchan on May 6th, 2009 01:25 am (UTC)
wee AN update..

waaah i love this update i really love this part.. ^^ and now i have a courage to make my new multichap because of you.. ^^
Shaina: Tesshi OMG!!!yumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 05:05 am (UTC)
Wow, thanks a lot for saying that! I'm glad you like it that much!
And good luck on writing your own fanfiction! I'm sure it'll be a good one!
Ganbatte ne~ <3
Untitled - kaouchan on May 6th, 2009 08:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
falling_petal01falling_petal01 on May 6th, 2009 03:39 am (UTC)
Nice story ^-^ like the way you write,
It somehow makes everything feel so real.
Can't wait for the next update ^_^
Shaina: Akameyumiko_okahawa on May 6th, 2009 05:06 am (UTC)
Aw, do you think so? Thanks a lot!!! I know it always takes about a week to write a chap, but I'm really putting a lot of effort into it!

Thanks for the nice comment!!! ^_^
Reneikou_no_uta on May 6th, 2009 08:15 am (UTC)
OMG I loved the last line. I hope Jin is going to get the hint.
Good luck for your application <3
Shainayumiko_okahawa on May 7th, 2009 07:54 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks a lot for your nice words ^___^
2min2morrow_is_now on May 6th, 2009 09:37 am (UTC)
aww, i feel so bad for jin... kazuya's too cold, that baka.
please stop their suffering? =)

i still love it.
Shainayumiko_okahawa on May 7th, 2009 07:55 am (UTC)
*löl* Yeah, somehow he really is v.v But their suffering will stop eventually. ^_^

Thanks so much!!
bellemainecbellemainec on May 7th, 2009 10:38 am (UTC)
yay for an update, and sniffle weep sob because you write angsty akame so well! and just for a brief shining second (or ten) there, I thought that they might actually work things out, and then I remembered the rest of the story, and I once more cursed myself for being weak and reading onwards, even though I know I am risking you breaking my heart.

great chapter. loved the depth of emotion, and the way you expressed their words and thoughts...and that final exchange...ouch. And yeah, I can see Jin collecting photos to reminisce.... great counterpoint to the icy exchange in the dressing rool earlier!

Shaina: Tesshi Cuteyumiko_okahawa on May 8th, 2009 03:35 am (UTC)
I'd love to make them work things out, but I guess, I can't yet v.v
Hopefully soon!

Thanks a lot for your kind words! I'm lad you've noticed that many things!! Yay! ^_^

I'll give my best, trying not to break your heart!!! <3
Untitled - bellemainec on May 8th, 2009 07:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
aarimeaarime on May 8th, 2009 11:31 am (UTC)
I cant tell you how my heart pump while reading this chap....thank you for this lovely fic ..hope happy ending :)
Shaina: Akameyumiko_okahawa on May 8th, 2009 12:11 pm (UTC)
Hey there :)

Thanks so much for the comment! I'm glad you like it that much!!! That makes me reeeeally happy!!! ^___^
fumofu: 2009.03.03 - 神の雫写真集 - 亀梨和也wendy138 on May 9th, 2009 01:21 am (UTC)
The angst in this story - it's almost too much for me to handle! Thank you for sharing. :)
Shaina: Akameyumiko_okahawa on May 9th, 2009 04:30 am (UTC)
*löl* Yeah, it turned ut pretty angsty, ne~ ^^;;

Thanks for commenting! ^___^
(Deleted comment)
Shaina: Ueda sweetyumiko_okahawa on May 11th, 2009 06:58 pm (UTC)
Hihi, that's alright! You told e already then what you're thinking about it! ^^ So, that's completely fine!!!

Thanks for your lovely words, hon. After all, this story is yours, so I'm trying my best!! ^___^